When things started to open up my story was a realisation that my life is centred very much around our home. We work and play at home. The animals tie me to home. The past 6 months has been me playing with this, not because I don't love our home but because the kids are growing up and demands and needs are different. So I have been trying to work out where I/ we are going next as a family as our eldest starts to fly the nest our second makes plans to do the same, leaving school in the summer and our youngest, flying as much as he can while still committed to the confines of establishment - that being school!
I think for so many of us it has made us ask the question, what do we really want... What makes us happy... where do we want to spend our energy.... how much do we really need? We have reconnected with the importance of living life not simply surviving. We have reevaluated friendships, the importance of family. We have started to share our truths. And though this can open up quite a bit of uncertainty, life seems a bit lighter, a bit brighter. And the more we start to live our truth, the more integral we become, the deeper entrenched we are on our path of transformation. And suddenly life seems exciting again, not because we are leaning towards false highs but because we start to feel naturally high, we start to feel again.
The herd have taught me that integrity is the key to each of us to live our Spiritual journey. They remind me daily to stop living in my head. Over the winter months my head has been in a funk... I have found it physically tiring this winter... mentally not wanting to having the constant 'tie' to poo picking, feeding. Maybe this is natural after 12 years of holding the fort on my own mostly. But it frustrated me hugely because I could not shift my perception when I was out there. I just felt pissed off and cross. The horses knew it. They have been awesome this winter -no broken fences yet! They have just held space for me to be pissed off. I then just had this moment of clarity... 'it is time for us all to move on and if that means finding a new home for you all then I accept that.' I have played with this concept over the past year (s) but my ego kept getting in the way... 'you have failed,' 'you can't give them away, where will they go...' I am grateful for my ego but if it is time for me to let the herd go it is time. The right person or persons will come my way. In the interim my position is to hold space with love and acceptance and see what unfolds AND say thank you for letting me be so pissed off! But you see, they didn't take my mood personally they just allowed me to move through it. Of course if I had taken my annoyance out on them then it might have been different! But when we hold space for each other to feel, we allow space for each other to grow. To shift, to rebalance, to reconnect. And to heal.
I have a dream... is it my path I don't know.... I have had it for years now so maybe it is not ...or maybe the time was not then but is now... but what I do know is that I have to get moving so that the Universe can flow through me and stop stagnating in a pissed off state because I am tired. I have choice after all and so if something is not right, it is time to change it!
But rather than being rash and hasty, I am opening up conversations with people, exploring possibilities and adding to my dream board!
What is my dream.. to be able to keep the horses but to have support... more land for them to roam....and more freedom for us both. What I have recognised is I definitely want to share what they bring and the healing they bring us but up until this point I have done it in a people pleasing way... a way that may look like success.... a way to 'please' many! Wellbeing centres etc... but now I see it very differently. I see it me, them, free, dancing, moving.... and in this time it will naturally open up. By trying to create something that will be 'accepted' by society I have kept hitting walls. By saying I can't afford this, I have decided and wham bam a block.... we don't have the space... wham bam there is a block!
Where do you want to be? What do you want in your life? What are you ready or accepting in letting go of? Have you taken any time for yourself to work out what you want? What lifted you through lockdown and what sunk you? What do you want to see more of in your life? What do you want to see less of? What are you holding onto that is keeping you back? What are you grateful for?
Take a moment to reflect and jot down what comes up. Check in daily.
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